You just made me feel so damn special
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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