I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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