So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
