Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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