I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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