and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
