In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
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