when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
