I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Randomize
