Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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