I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
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