....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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