my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
