So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
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Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
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Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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