My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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