I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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