Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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