I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
