I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
