How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Randomize
