so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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