The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
