I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
