No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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