you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
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