My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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