I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
