Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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