I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
