also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
