seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
