I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
