Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
