she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
