He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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