Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
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