Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
