If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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