we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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