I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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