thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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