rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i think i have two assholes
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
