So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
