zippers are such a cool invention
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
