Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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