I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
