And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
