I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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