Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
