I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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