I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
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