If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Randomize
