Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
