Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
