I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
