Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
