I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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